Domnova sopca

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25
years. Because you don’t particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window
unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked
that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s
chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man , they’re
pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a
soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa
figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass
hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grandee
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one
NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying
the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing
“Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t
make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you
did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t
pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms,
I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crapp
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other
screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to
be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations
from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people
version of looting.

:D